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Forgiveness

For the second time this week,

I lay awake with my eyes taped to the ceiling.

Like if I stare at it long enough, you will come back.

It’s been about two months now. I finally allow myself to think of you.

I count the heartbreaks from boys at the back of my hand

& my skin cracks.

There is a rain storm outside my window

& Bent Denim’s Key Lime Pie plays on my phone, like it did that summer.

I dived into you like if I did not hyperventilate

the water in your bones, you would leave.

But you still left.

And then, you came back.

And left.

And came back.

And left like I was a well of expectations for you

to pump at your own convenience.

I am getting better again.

I have a diffuser

that I light up every night.

& take bubble baths often now

They remind me of what life tasted like before you.

I don’t have many things here.

Scraped out every bit of you from the walls of my life,

And taught my demons to sing a different name.

I am getting better again.

I learned to use the dishwasher. Threw out a bad avocado today.

Mastered bakasana. And sang in the shower.

Mimi now asks me, “How are you?”

instead of “What’s wrong?”

& I now say, “I’m good,”

instead of “What’s not.”

My palate is still adjusting.

And I am still. waiting.

But tonight, I lay in bed with my eyes taped to the ceiling.

Like if I stare at it long enough, you will stay gone.

I think of you & my eyes stay dry.

I think of you, & pray that your eyes are dry too.




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